Pastor’s Column June 28, 2009
Greetings,
Our Catholic Church has a pre-marriage program that is very powerful in bringing couples to a deeper faith and deeper personal awareness. When engaged couples come in to see me in my office, who want to get married, many are already living together. Many do not go to Mass on Sunday and many do not pray regularly. And I see it as part of my job to help them understand the importance of our faith lives and prayer, and also that we all have baggage we carry from our past. That growing up in our families, we all have taken on some dysfunction. Some of us more and some of us less, but we all have at least some
I will give them statistics at some point. Many of the couples do not like to be considered statistics, and rightfully so. But I like to give a bigger picture to what they are getting into
-About 50-60% of all marriages end in divorce in our culture here in the U.S.
-If a married couple goes to church every week, about 70% stay together for life.
-If the couple prays together every day, it’s about 80% that stay together for life.
-And if the couple practices what we call Natural Family Planning, then 99% of those married couples stay together for life. That’s incredible! 99% of those couples who practice NFP stay together for life. When I say this, most often, both of the couples are taken aback and then want to learn more about what it is.
There is no other denomination, church or organization in the world that has this new understanding of what we call Theology of the Body which comes from Pope John Paul II and flows from NFP.
NFP and Theology of the Body are both focused on a total self gift of the couple to each other in the physical intimacy of marriage. These teachings operate on many different levels, psychological, emotional, physical, and certainly spiritual. They are a wholistic approach to the sexuality of the human person. And what they do is create an unselfish way of giving to each other rather than a selfish taking. They take lust out of the relationship and put a deep self giving love into the marriage. The pre-marriage program wants the couples to become best friends and soul mates. We believe as Catholics that before the two future spouses were even born, that their match was made in heaven. That God chose the two of them to come together at this time in their lives to spend the rest of their earthly lives together for perhaps the next 50-60 years or more We want their marriage to be the best possible marriage with the highest quality and deepest happiness.
Personal awareness is also critically important to this process. To understand how we grew up and the many influences on us affects how we relate with others is crucial. We all carry the good and not so good of our family life growing up. And so, for those to be married, they must know how they relate in the many ways we do as human beings.
-For instance, how does each express their anger when they are mad at each other, or can each of them make themselves vulnerable to each other and feel loved and respected?
-Are both able and willing to help fill each other’s needs as they arise?
-Are they both trusty worthy and safe on a deeper level?
And God-willing, the future spouses have children, the children will observe very carefully how mom and dad relate. If mom and dad relate in ways that are very kind and gentle, respectful, honest, and generous the kids will grow up and do the same. Mom and dad are the role models for how the kids will grow up and can even influence who the children choose as friends. Most often, the children will choose good friends that relate in the same ways. And even as they grow into adulthood, they will most likely choose future spouses, those they want to get married to with the same ways of loving each other.
I also tell the couples that it is important that they are not getting married based on the qualities of the other. That qualities such as, intelligence, good looks, athleticism, all will fade with the passing of time. Accidents or illness can change one’s life quickly. Theology of the Body tells us that each one of us is unrepeatable, that each one of us is unique and special in the eyes of God. And that we marry each other based on that divine providence and the coming together in our specialness by God’s direction, not on the changing qualities of our spouse.
Jesus calms the storms of our lives through love. We hear about his mercy often. He insists that God’s greatest desire is to embrace sinful people. Jesus depicted God as the father who opened his arms to a wayward son without waiting to hear the young man’s apology (prodigal son). Jesus describes himself as the shepherd who drops everything to find the one lost lamb (the good shepherd). Jesus scandalized the self-righteous by keeping company with public sinners. He taught us to pray for the ability to forgive others as generously as we are forgiven by God. We are called to trust in God’s generous love and mercy. When we sin and turn away from God’s plan, we become miserable. It is only when we learn to trust his love and mercy that we begin to come to him, slowly conforming ourselves to his beautiful plan for us.
NFP and Theology of the Body are both very powerful ways in which God speaks to us of health and virtuous living. When we choose to pray and behave in ways consist with the Gospel, we become happy. God made us in his image and likeness, we are children of God, and when we are good, do good, and be good, we are simply being the way God has created us. This is what makes us happy, and certainly God wants us to be happy. It is sin that makes us miserable. So, let us continue to turn towards God, even when we may mess up trusting in his infinite mercy and love.
Peace, Fr. Tom